The Quirk on the Hill

small seed

2012-02-28T21:52:00.000Z

warm sun caresses my neck
for the first time

life begins to make more sense

coherence and purpose emerges
small green shoots of hope

Spring has sprung

2012-02-28T21:48:00.000Z

When I received a text from a friend this morning advising me to "enjoy the sunshine" I wondered what she was on about. We had grey skies in the valley and although I could see some rays of sunshine across in Newcastle I was not convinced it would find its way to North Durham. Well how wrong can one be? What a simply glorious afternoon. I walked over to a friend’s house with my daughter’s clarinet (don’t' ask) and enjoyed the first really warm rays on the back of my neck. How the mood changes with the warm sun. Kites were calling from Gibside and there were so many birds calling I got frustrated trying to pick out the species!!

Anyway my mood today is so different to the one last week I don't feel like the same woman. I am trying to make sense of it all and I wonder whether my mood has lifted because I started the week with writing with the fantastic women of Pen and Tonic. I suspect it is the ONLY way to start the week but one I shall have to cling on to as a memory rather than a reality and attempt to replicate the energy and writing for myself, become more self-sufficient in this writing thing.

Anyway if anyone is interested then Tess and Bridget have a wonderful book (hence the session yesterday at Mea House). Highly recommend the book as useful resource for those us interested and doing writing and wellbeing. To find out more go to http://penandtonic.org/

Interval

2012-02-26T22:04:00.000Z

I am learning about my energy levels and being more compassionate about the low times. I have had some fantastic experiences recently with writing workshops and creative sessions. I have led new experiences for practitioners and have also learnt more about myself and from that I have grown but I have also used up a lot of my energy. I need to be more understanding of the down times and the times when maybe I should be just reading and listening instead of insisting that I create and generate new things. I have had difficult times and difficult interactions with people and from that I have learnt that it is not always about me and that it can be about other people’s needs.

I am tired of being over sensitive and thinking that people don't like me, that I am too much and that I am being nosey or over interfering. My previous experiences have made me very sensitive to these things and I still have bad experiences at the back of my mind.

The coaching course is teaching me to really listen to people and to not leap in and tell people what to do for themselves. In the last week I have learnt that if I really listen and pay attention to what people are saying to me, reflect back to them what they are saying then they come up with solutions and ways forward for themselves. It has been quite a revelation but the trick is to really, really listen. I have to be really disciplined and not add my two opinion or "similar" experience and I have found this hard work but also, strangely, incredibly powerful. Not revealing too much about me has resulted in the people I am coaching revealing more of them to me. I am honoured by this but I also carry a responsibility. However the beauty of coaching is that the contract is about resilience and capacity to cope and that it does not feel as problematic as counselling. People who come for coaching are not as vulnerable, they may have vulnerabilities, don’t' we all, BUT it is not the same as someone who may have undiscovered psychological frailties or mental health issues for which they require support and guidance.

Arts based approaches to coaching are new and I am new to coaching but I can see parallels between the development work I do with the arts (poetry and collage) and the work I am doing when coaching folk. I am beginning to see a glimmer of an answer as to the way forward for me BUT it is still a bit feint.

2012-02-15T18:52:00.000Z

tick tock, tick tock,
something has to go
leave it behind move on

tick tock, tick tock,
no one is interested
no one wants to hear

tick tock, tick tock
time is running out
you need to make the change

tick tock, tick tock
it is never too late
you can move things on
improve, transfrom
make it right

tick, tick, tock, tock
tock, tock, tick, tick

Too much going on

2012-02-15T18:48:00.000Z

Have not had any space to think about things over the last few days. Marking took over my life for too many days and have begun to realise how draining it all is and that maybe I cannot carry on with it all. Some difficult decisions to make in a time when jobs are not easy to find but I can honestly say I have had enough of holding student nurse's hands and expecting them to make grown up decisions, be organised and to take the profession seriously. Not enough of them seem to want to or are up to it. The battle to improve the image of nursing is too big for me to take on and one that will defeat me ultimately. One of the lessons for 2012 is about what I leave behind - let go of, it might be nursing as I struggle with what is happening and the discrepancies between what is said to be happening in the education of the workforce of tomorrow and the reality of the both the classroom and practice.

Saturday thoughts

2012-02-11T18:23:00.000Z

Am on my own this weekend and took the dog for a long walk first thing this morning. Went up the top of the village towards Stanley and encountered a very different view to the usual walk above the Derwent Valley. I got to wondering how long some of the paths might have been there for as those fields must have been worked for hundreds of years. Also how humans have shaped the landscape as some of the mounds must be leftovers from the days when this area was a series of coal mines.

The field I was walking in had a wonderful view of Pontop Pike but it didn't come out very well in the photos as it was so murky.

Met some friends at a very civilised place in Gosforth and it was great to see them. http://www.thetownhousehotel.co.uk/taste.php

All 3 were students 8 years ago and my goodness me how time flown since then. I am very impressed with them as they have moved on into very different areas of nursing even though they were all on the same course when I met them. Nursing can be a diverse and liberating profession and has a lot to offer imaginative and brave practitioners but I just wish we stop being horrible to each other. I think I have grown very tired of the back biting and top trumping that goes on.

I led a poetry workshop on Thursday for a very diverse group of people and I realised that I am much much happier when I am drawing on my experience in health care as a facilitator rather than being a nurse. I think I am hung up on what I would call myself if I moved away from the job I have now. I am neither a poet/writer nor an educator /facilitator.

I think I resist titles as I fear it pigeon holes me too much but at the same time If I want to free myself work wise and chase the dream of using poetry and creativity in professional and practice development I am going to have to label myself as something..

Maybe I just need to package it and then see what happens..

wind turbines

2012-02-08T21:32:00.000Z

I have never expressed any strong opinions about wind turbines and have felt that they are a benign technology intruding into the landscape. BUT now two have appeared along the Derwent valley above Shotley Bridge and are in my eye line when I walk the dog. I thought I was seeing things when I first noticed a new object on the horizon but it was confirmed on Saturday when we were in Shotley Bridge that they are erecting turbines above the Valley.

It has upset me - an unbroken view to the moors has been interrupted and I am still wondering what I make of all of it. After all there are electricity pylons all around me and all along the valley so why do these new invaders matter. I am not sure but they are not as neutral as I thought and for the first time in my life I found myself agreeing with a Tory MP. Maybe they are not as green as we would like to think they are and they do blot the landscape and change the view....

Turbines arrive in the near distance!!!

lost days

2012-02-08T21:20:00.000Z

Have felt too preoccupied to sit and write but that was probably the wrong thing to do. Write the stuff down I say - helps you process what is going on. I think I am in danger of committing to too many things and ending up running out of steam. One of my students said she felt like she has hit a wall after the first 2 years of the course and I wonder whether there comes a time when you can't take anymore and you just have to take a step back.

I know what I want to do and it is around professional development, coaching, supervision and creativity but how do I fashion a job that allows me to do that and also work in a supportive and nurturing environment. I know I can't work on my own - need interaction to help with my energy levels but I am not sure where to find it.

I need to find a balance between helping others and giving myself some compassion and time so I can create and develop. Used to giving out and helping others at the cost of my own energy levels and after 50 years you would think I would stop!!

Coaching is a great way to help others and keep a balance. The more I pay attention to not swooping in within a coaching session and rescuing the person the better I feel.

nights out

2012-02-05T13:29:00.000Z

I have been out two nights running!! Friday at the Lit and Phil - reading my poems. Felt intimidated and out of place but got some lovely feedback from a couple of people in the audience so I should pay attention to that. I am not sure I have the same gravitas or wit as I my fellow readers so wonder if I need to think about a stage name/pseudonym for the poetry Sue!!
Last night out at the Sage to see Alfie Boe - an unexpected Christmas present that I wasn't sure about when I opened it up on Christmas Day but I have to say I was blown away. What a magnificent voice and a great stage presence - enjoyed it immensely.

red kites swoop below
the low winter sun
warms our faces
as we explore
new fences

we stumble upon
recent gateways
find new routes
round the fields,
consider where it might lead

Glorious Sunday Sunshine!!!

Poetry Reading

2012-02-02T22:02:00.000Z

I often find the poetry scene elitist and soulless - not today. I went along to my friend Anne Ryland's reading at Newcastle university - she was reading from her new collection along with another talented local poet, Pippa Little. It was a fine affair - a gentle audience and both women write quiet poems that pack a lot of punch - I am not sure that is possible but both of them lure you into the gentleness of the middle classes and then an observation comes along that makes you sit up, take notice and think again. That is what poetry should do - it should also be read aloud. Lifting it off the page makes so much more sense - both women read well and with lyric voices and feeling.

It was a great trip out and one I am pleased I made as I was tempted to stay and keep warm at home and ruminate about all the marking. Braving it out into the world was a good idea as I saw some familiar faces and some I even like/ am extremely fond of...

Anyway it was a good experience but I do often find the whole poetry reading thing all a bit dull. Also highlights the gap between where I am with poetry and where the elite and recognised body of poets are in the local scene. I am not sure I fit in there at all and won't ever be reading at a First Thursday but then again I am not sure it bothers me.

I sit at the front
keen to lend support
to my fellow travellers
women who are much
better poets that I will
ever be. I don't pay
enough attention
not disciplined
too much rush

stillness
silence
that's what's needed
not sooner nor later
but now

observations

2012-02-01T21:24:00.000Z

Why is it that some days are so much better than others? I feel as different today as I have done for weeks. Even enjoyed the lecture I had to give first thing this morning. Stayed positive all day and got one lot of marking finished. It seems to take me days to recover from being to busy and paying attention to this might get me to stop being quite so busy quite so often and recognising how my creative spirit needs to be looked after.

Each day is different
pay attention
rhythms patterns
hold on to the good
linger less on the bad

small stone

2012-01-31T21:12:00.000Z

on a day that never got light
I found myself
rushing here and there

I mustered calm
from within
when others prattled

nonsense

I tried hard not to listen
found a place in the room
where I could be
somewhere else

it was just for a few moments
but it made
all the difference

this time

making links

2012-01-31T21:04:00.000Z

I have been exploring writing and well-being for myself and others for about 7 years. Along the way I have met some wonderful people and have stayed friends with folk I met in the very early days of my journey - wonderful poets and treasured friends. I made a decision last year to do more as a writer person rather than the more troublesome nurse/educator thing. I went along to a Lapidus meeting in Scarborough which was the beginning of very exciting and supportive regional group. I also presented at the Poetry and Medicine symposium at Warwick where I gave a frenzied presentation on how poetry could save nursing – I have now been asked to write an article on the same subject for Lapidus – can’t bear to watch myself – too many hand movements!! I also wrote an article for a nursing journal about the poetry workshop we have introduced to student nurses. It has all been very worthwhile but has highlighted where my passion really lies. So 2012 may be about finding a place where I can practise in a more creative and soulful way both at work and in my writing life. The distance is too much at the moment and I need to do something about bridging the gap ...

I have a number of subjects I want to write about this year and I hope after the current marking marathon is over I can begin to start with these projects.

I also want to produce a digital story about our visit to Elizabeth bishop’s childhood home, Great Village in Nova Scotia. I am now the proud owner of a banner from the centenary celebrations in NS and now I have it hanging in my study I want to put together my own celebration of our visit. It was truly amazing with wonderful weather and I took 210 photos so I am sure I can compose something meaningful…

small stones

2012-01-30T17:48:00.002Z

grey skies
a touch of snow

north winds blowing
colder than expected

should have worn gloves

Monday, Monday

2012-01-30T17:47:00.000Z

Boy do I struggle on a Monday - no energy and all prickly. Anyway made it through without any emotional melt downs (so far) so that's quite good...
Not sure I've got what it takes to read poems on Friday, the poems I have written are very young and have not been around long enough to become anything true and meaningful or am I making an excuse? Feeling quite panicky and thought I was going to be sick when I went into work today. Didn't see anyone that required me to have any dialogue so that was OK.
Need to save my energy and apply it in the right places rather then the scatter gun approach I have relied on over the years. Letting go is about knowing what and how.
Had lots of advice offered last week and words were bandied about like "portfolio career", chances and opportunities - but what do they all mean? If you are in an unhappy place with work none of this is helpful. I want someone to build me an escape pod and shoot me off into the world of health care where I can make a direct contribution to people's well-being - staff, patients, family, carers - the whole package - support folk, provide supervision and do a bit of coaching as well. Help people build their resilience and capacity to develop and cope with change. I am not sure I am up to another winter of marking and academic egos!!

small stone

2012-01-29T17:57:00.000Z

putting words on the page
seems a crazy thing to do

some words may mean something
to someone but the words may mean
nothing to anyone at all, ever.

keep the faith, even one is better than
not putting words on the page at all

I love piggies!!

Rainy Sunday

2012-01-29T17:50:00.001Z

Woke at 7.30 to catch sunrise on East Coast but no to no avail - it was raining. The clouds out to sea were amazing but I did not stop to try and capture it as wanted to get my breakfast.
Took a photograph before I left the room as I reflected on the fact that I used to live in a room the same size when I first started nursing - in fact lived in a room the same size for about 5 years. Now I have expanded to fill the space of a 4 bedroomed house. I just wondered whether I could condense my world into one room and realised I would never be in that place again. Very portable back then between 18 and 22 - never made the most of it. Seeking security instead. Should have made the most of it then. 30+ years later my restlessness has no where to go...

small stone

2012-01-28T18:33:00.000Z

talking, writing
walking, sharing
caring, concern
support, stories
unmapped land ahead

missing Friday

2012-01-28T18:31:00.000Z

Missed posting anything yesterday as too tired to think, two days at University on the coaching course drained my battery down to very low levels. Also in on my own which was very odd - just the dog and me watching Jordan and other celebrities behaving badly in front of the camera. All that display does bother me but I guess that is where they seek the attention from and I think too many people think that is gratifying. Notice me!! Notice me!! Me, me, me...

I am writing this from a room at Cober hill (www.coberhill.co.uk), a spot in North Yorkshire I highly recommend. Here for a writing day with regional Lapidus group (www.lapidus.org.uk) and it was a very splendid day. Lots of talking with like mined folk and some writing as well. What more would you want from a Saturday. Staying by the sea is very invigorating as well and I hope the sunrise is as wonderful as last time I was here.

October Sunrise

small stone

2012-01-26T21:49:00.000Z

forgetting more than I remember
overlooking what I know
reassurance distant
seeking certainty
in a sea of chaos
take a step back
view from afar
clearer, stiller

small stone

2012-01-25T20:15:00.000Z

sunlight lifts the colours
on hills in the far distance
grey cloud overhead
turns pink as it moves along

Wistful Wednesday

2012-01-25T20:08:00.001Z

Went for a walk late afternoon and it was wonderful. I am endlessly fascinated by the patterns lichen make and try to capture it in photographs but I am sure there must be other ways. I found a piece of bark with lichen on the other day and it looks like a very beautiful piece of jewellery. A symbiosis of fungi and algae they are a wonder of nature and are indicators of environmental health. http://www.britishlichens.co.uk/index.html

I am not sure I want to know too much about them but they are very special and we are surrounded by trees and moorland which appears to be rich in these natural signs of healthy air. I love the Derwent Valley and everyday its shapes and patterns change. The view of the city, the cheviots in the north and Stanhope Moor in the south – so soothing.

view to the south

I have been planning for early starts at the end of the week and making sure our gorgeous little dog does not have to spend too much time on her own. Not sure I’m up to this kind of forward thinking but it has alleviated a lot of anxiety by acknowledging what I was chewing over and then doing something about it.

small stone

2012-01-24T20:38:00.000Z

grey day
snow falling
drizzle dampens spirits

January blues

2012-01-24T20:33:00.000Z

It's getting to me - the dark mornings. Don't seem to be able to get going and my brain seems to be working only half the time.

Found out yesterday that one of the parents has been smuggling her little dog into the school yard. I was outraged - for the dog and for all the rule followers in the world. What if we all decided to smuggle in our wee doggies into School - what chaos would ensue.

Now think it is funny but not at the time. Put me right out for the rest of the day.

Worrying about all the things I seem to have committed to and don’t know if I have the capacity to cope. I don’t have the same amount of energy as I did before and although I need to be busy too much commitment sends me spinning off into a bit of a tizzy!

I am sure it will be fine – had a good coaching session yesterday and also found out about a textile workshop I want to go to with Mandy Pattullo (highly recommend Mandy’s workshops!!) http://www.mandypattullo.co.uk/ and also a conference where I think I might have to present a paper - if they let me - have to write the abstract ofcourse..http://www.artscare21conference.co.uk/ .

Let’s see what happens. Must stop using quite so many exclamation marks - not good

small stone

2012-01-22T19:38:00.000Z

slow sundays

resist siren calls
from shops
retail therapy
does not work
for long
walk instead
read, slow down
on a Sunday

looking back and on not getting on

2012-01-22T19:34:00.001Z

At the end of last year I took part in a series of writing workshops with Lisa Matthews (she of the Poetry Fold http://poetryfold.co.uk/). I have just gone back to the notebook I kept during those 6 weeks. We wrote a lot each workshop and produced an amazing amount of work. I have a bad habit of not reviewing my writing but have decided that there may well be some material worth exploring. Below is an edited poem from one of these sessions. They were amazingly productive evenings albeit totally exhausting but I amazed at how much is Ok and not for the dustbin.

I am supposed to reading “new” poems with Sheree Mack and others on the 3^rd February ay the Lit and Phil in Newcastle. Was very worried that I would not have any new babies to take along but I think I now have found some material to work with. Have a night at Cober Hill after a writing day with our Regional Lapidus group next weekend so I am now quite hopeful that I might have something to read…

People make up things

Scream for no reason

Papier mache masks hide

Their real intentions

You can slog and slug

But get nowhere fast

Struggle

Live on the edge

Noble endeavours

Hidden from view

No one really cares

I am not even sure that I do

Peerless, timeless

Move on, move out

small stone

2012-01-21T18:33:00.000Z

a walk along the river
a walk with friends
bookend the day

Name Change

2012-01-21T18:30:00.002Z

I have been told by 3 people that I am not grumpy and I should change the name of the blog. So I've gone for quirk - I think it is more fitting than grump - dictionary definitions include the word peculiarity which I think is material for further exploration. So "thank you" to a very good friend who suggested quirk not grump!!
I am upset and angry at times but not grumpy. My moral outrage at people' s behaviour - like fly tipping and not picking up dog poo is perfectly justified. The moral compass of many people seems to have gone askew...
Have had 2 long walks to day and now realising that I might not be up to it at my age!!
Anyway let's see how the name change goes...

small stone

2012-01-20T14:20:00.000Z

cold air, hot talk
moving on
finding a way

balance

2012-01-19T20:02:00.000Z

softly, silently
tip toe, gently
wind blows
rain harsh against your face
seek shelter

small stones

2012-01-19T19:59:00.000Z

conversations in passing

exchanges in the kitchen

all leading somewhere

pay attention - stop looking

you might notice

what is being said

Another Day

2012-01-19T19:56:00.000Z

As the song says "what a difference a day makes"!! Maybe I do have more good days than bad days and that if I pay attention to what is happening then I might be able to see the way ahead.

A postcard I designed in 2008 - Stanhope Moor

Maybe I ought to notice my own creative outputs as well!!

Tired

2012-01-18T21:37:00.000Z

Had an exhausting day and an argument which was most unpleasant and just helped resurface all the issues I have in my current job.
Been thinking about it a lot and realise I have to let go and move on.
Change is never without some loss and leaving behind the last 15 years of a career is not going to be easy and I need to explore what I can keep and what is best to leave behind. I am not sure I am ready to order the skip etc but there are a number of things that are not doing me any good and have a detrimental impact on my well-being and they need reviewing.

A fundamental question is around the principles that people might use in their practice and the values they have in the way they conduct themselves in their practice. I very much fear that a number of people I encounter on a daily basis may not be able to articulate any of this and that is a very good reason to start exploring new territories. Scary but essential and not an issue I have raised publicly before. Time to move on...

A glorious sunset helped end the day on a more positive note than expected. Nature is wonderful - photographs will never do it justice but the sky turned purple as the sun disppeared - it was truly heart stopping...

small stone

2012-01-18T21:25:00.002Z

one false step
shouts, accusations
never speak again
move on and ignore
ruminate
not sure what
or why

small stone

2012-01-17T20:22:00.000Z

mondays go missing
wait for another day
notice more, pay attention

broken ipods, marking scripts
stress will move on

stay awhile, take a breath
today is a better day

Ice

2012-01-17T20:19:00.000Z

Ice at PowBurn Woods

Went for a walk yesterday in the local woods and the ice on the water was wonderful - had forgotten the camera so had to back today.
The dog was walking on the ice and looked very confused; you could see through the ice so it looked like she was walking on water and she kept trying to pick up the leaves that were below the surface.

small stone

2012-01-15T20:51:00.000Z

sharp frost
cold all day
Irish dancing
trip out
expensive ice cream
7 year old programme

small stone

2012-01-14T20:25:00.000Z

crystals of frost
waves and ripples
a beautiful day
winter sun shimmers
ochre water runs into the sea

Early start on a Saturday

2012-01-14T20:22:00.000Z

Netball training beckoned our daughter so we found ourselves walking around a park near Consett at 9.15 this morning. The frost was beautiful on the flowers and grass. Also saw my first snowdrops - what a joy.

We also went for a walk on Saltburn beach later on and the light was glorious. Took loads of photographs as inspiration for textiles and other art work as the textures and patterns were amazing.

small stone

2012-01-13T21:14:00.000Z

frost still crisp
on the grass and hedges
even at the end of the day

chilly morning

2012-01-13T21:13:00.000Z

Not sure I know what to write about today. i have left it quite late to write and have run out of energy and ideas.
Although I was surprised by the cold this morning it does feel more like January now and less like an early Spring. I am still very grateful for the extra minutes of daylight that we now get.
Have forgotten the camera so no photos today...

small stone

2012-01-12T19:23:00.000Z

sunset - pink, orange, red
a glorious end to the day

pointed it out to others
changed the conversation

no more top trumping
noticing nature

On not talking and the power of the pen

2012-01-12T19:21:00.000Z

Facilitated a session with students where we ask them to "reflect" on their first day on placement. Invited them to engage in 5 minutes of free writing - after a bit of paper shuffling there was complete silence in the room.
made me think how rarely that happens - it was clear that they were absorbed and it made me think about how quickly we fill the space up with noise. You can't go shopping now without your ears being assaulted. in department stores there is often different music for each section. I find it all too much and crave quiet - to have that in the classroom was fabulous and an experience to hold onto..

small stone

2012-01-11T19:50:00.002Z

robin singing in the hawthorn tree
liquid gold sound
colours ripple around me

Slow travel

2012-01-11T19:49:00.000Z

Teaching at 9 this morning meant I left home at 7.45 to stand any chance of getting there on time. it was the first time in a long time I have driven into Newcastle at time of day and have not seen sunrise since October when I was staying near Scarborough.

What a wonderful sight and travelling slowly in the traffic meant I could look at it longer.

All this nonsense about the super high-speed rail link makes me wonder what has happened to us all. Why is travel time seen as time wasted - all that money on saving 20 minutes of travel time. I love being on the train and I find I can write when on the train. I find it quite liberating - tense at times if too cramped but have valued the time sat on a train overhearing conversations!! Anyway I do wonder if it is going to be money well spent.

small stone

2012-01-10T21:30:00.000Z

day’s end extends

chink, chink, chink

blackbirds call out

light fades

Circular walks

2012-01-10T21:27:00.000Z

Have been pondering my reluctance to retrace footsteps on walks - always preferring to find a loop to walk - funny thing that. Yesterday ended up being out for over an hour because resisted turning round. Discovered a path I had not found before down on the river Derwent and that was where I found some catkins..

Sky turned a wonderful colour this evening and tried to capture it but the camera just not quite getting it as I had hoped but this one will do!! If I could keep the camera still that would help!!

Monday's small stones

2012-01-10T12:33:00.000Z

catkins dangle
fragile signs
pale yellow

pale winter sun
warm, surprising
I forget myself
walk for longer than planned

Missed a day

2012-01-10T12:30:00.000Z

Got tied up with parenting duties and spent 2 hours at walk-in centre.
Good to see nursing practice developing and the skills being used.
Found time to write before school run
Some days just fly

small stone

2012-01-08T16:32:00.000Z

lichen coated branches
exquisite patterns
hard to capture in words

Sorting out

2012-01-08T16:28:00.002Z

Have been having a sort out and organising some of my arty stuff. Anyone want any post-it notes? I have far too many and I am sure they need a good home!!

ALSO have so many visual images for stimulating writing I should have 6 collections of poetry!

Anyway feels good having sorted out and organising things. I need to be able to find things and having a bit of a system is a really good idea. Being organised and discipline are two words I avoid having anything to do with but I suspect they have a lot of merit in helping me move on and move up.

Letting go and moving on

2012-01-08T16:26:00.001Z

Sundays are always good for contemplation - used to dread having a day off on a Sunday when I was a student nurse. There was NOTHING to do - shops shut, swimming pools shut - how different it is today. have realised that there is a lot of stuff attached to becoming a nurse back in the early 80's and a lot of that is holding me back and has held me back, if I am to work with people in their professional lives then some of that stuff needs to be sorted out and packed away for good. Letting go of the nursing side is difficult as I like "looking after people but in coaching I draw on my facilitating side and I am good at that. I am good at listening and paying attention and enabling people to find their own ways to solve problems or tackle issues. I need to keep faith with this approach and not think I have to step back into nursing. It would not be good for me and I need to be able to see myself in a different role, move on and move up.

small stone

2012-01-07T17:02:00.000Z

ivy wraps itself around
encloses with patterns

Writing assignments

2012-01-07T16:54:00.000Z

I'm drained from putting words together for my assignment - but still found time to play. Love word clouds and wondered how you could make them and now I know.

small stone

2012-01-06T18:34:00.003Z

new green leaves
purple spiky flowers
surprising sightings
early January

Litter and stuff

2012-01-06T18:33:00.000Z

Litter is bothering me today – 3 empty wine bottles dumped on the footpath next to our house and about 8 beer cans – why can’t people get rid of stuff properly? Also a car parked right across the footpath opposite the school – lazy, lazy person....

Anyway also saw a bird’s nest in the clematis and leaves appearing way too early, as well as flowers that you don’t normally see in January.

I am beginning to overcome my resistance to acquiring knowledge about psychology and have begun my mind-map. There is really useful theory to learn but I am finding paying attention to “facts” quite a challenge preferring to sail along with intuition and emotion. A little more discipline and concentration might not be a bad thing. Reading about cognitive behavioural approaches is very insightful and can see how some of the processes match those in expressive/creative writing exercises. Thinking then doing, noticing then changing, relooking and drafting

Nursing in the News

2012-01-06T18:31:00.001Z

Well nursing is in the news with dear Mr Cameron once again telling professionals how to do their job better. I do wonder what has happened on the wards when the nurses are told to do ward rounds and check all the patients. I assume too much has been delegated and that responsibilities have been diluted in the last few years leading to the scandals that have emerged.
I am not sure I could or would want to nurse on the wards anymore BUT I am pretty sure I would make patient care my priority. The nursing gaze appears to have shifted away from what nursing is all about and has been distorted by bureaucracy and image. Too many cost savings have been made and there are a lot fewer qualified nurses on the wards and this has to have made a difference to the quality of care being provided. Care is seen as "too basic" for professionals and it has been handed over to the unqualified and unprepared. Good nursing care doesn't come cheap and it is about time someone realised that - you get what you pay for!!
ALSO too much emphasis is put on learning facts and acquiring clinical skills rather than developing empathy and listening skills.
We overlook the fundamentals at our peril

small stone

2012-01-05T18:39:00.000Z

Bright sunny day
wind still rushing
through trees
mood lifts

Motivation

2012-01-05T18:37:00.001Z

I have an assignment to do for the Coaching Course I am on and I am finding it hard to get started... it is a mind map and an academic poster so it should be "right up my street" in that allows for creativity and connections - ticks a couple of my boxes but I am finding it tricky committing to paper. It's all about psychology and it is very useful and interesting stuff - maybe I need an extended composting time..

Writing this has become a great focus and along with Fiona Robyn's river of stones helps me pay attention and notice what is going on around me.
Went for a walk before school pick-up time and captured the view from the edge of the village. Turner painted this view..

Small Stone

2012-01-04T17:44:00.000Z

hands freezing outside school
only two more terms of waiting here
time moves on too swiftly

Back to work

2012-01-04T14:48:00.000Z

I stumbled upon creative/expressive writing back in 2004 when trying to write up my PhD research/thesis. I was getting nowhere and a close colleague suggested I explore the work of local poet, Julia Darling. Julia was writing poetry about her experiences of health care and taking poetry to health care practitioners with messages about a gap in communication. She was also running writing classes for tired academics, which was how I was feeling at the time.The findings of my research into people's expereinces of diabetes care was that the people I interviewed with diabetes found that attendance at clinics an intrusion into their life. They lived in a state of liminality waiting for appointments, test results and instructions. A minority of health care practitioners noticed this paradox/conundrum in care but did not know how to address it within the structures of existing care delivery. Meeting Julia and discussing our shared interest changed my life and poetry has become more and more important to me.

Poems I wrote in response to the participants in my research can be found at the QNI websire -see below.

http://www.qni.org.uk/for_patients/improving_care/creative_writing

Unfortunately I never got to write up my PhD thesis as I was “stopped” by the Institution. I thought I had got over it and that I had moved on but returning to work after the festive break has just further underlined the unhealed wound that is still there.

There are those who have Dr before their name (and make sure all know about it) and then there are the rest of us without; there are those working towards a doctorate and then there are a few of us still reeling from the loss of not doing it and not completing.

I am not sure what to do about it at the moment but I am sure going to write about it and maybe explore my learning and try to bring some closure to a long standing issue.

Unseen but heard

2012-01-03T16:43:00.000Z

Battling against the wind this afternoon does not leave much room to think or overthink too much about the world around. However I was very struck on my way to the fields by a chattering ivy in the corner of the cul-de-sac. Sparrows were making a lot of noise -

Windy hills

2012-01-03T16:28:00.000Z

wild gusts from the west
strum low notes on the power lines

Small Stone 2

2012-01-02T19:54:00.004Z

red kites mew across the valley
last night's frost lingers
in the edges and corners of fields
where the low winter sun can not reach

Change or stagnation

2012-01-02T19:54:00.000Z

A crisp winter's morning - gorgeous walking the dog...

Have been pondering the wisdom of "going public" with the blog given that unedited content written at the beginning of this enterprise may reveal a little too much of my inner thoughts. Dark moods at this time of year may be a little too insightful, even taboo, as we make the best of the dark days. I find the inactivity and indolence difficult but also find motivation lacking - it is a time to recharge the batteries and although making resolutions for the new year and making changes might be misguided there is a glimmer of making possible new ways of facing challenges and also realising one’s potential in the coming year.
Here's anticipating a more focussed and less frustrated year...

Textiles to keep the winter blues away

2012-01-01T19:50:00.000Z

small stone

2012-01-01T19:21:00.000Z

cold winds whip the marram grass

sandpipers scurry along the strandline

oyster catchers call

this is new year’s day – what is ahead?

New Year

2012-01-01T17:32:00.000Z

Well here we are and it is 2012, I wonder what it will bring.

Went for a walk on the beach at Low Hauxley. The light was wonderful and took some lovely shots. I am going to try and do more with the photography and link it to poetry in a more meaningful way. I also will share this with others through this blog not that anyone will be reading it but that does not seem to matter. I have thought about that quite a bit recently when it comes to writing and audience. I am not sure I am that bothered and I certainly do not want to have poems out there to be savaged by critics…

I am not sure I will ever fit into the mainstream – not enough effort – too much living in the real world and not in the rarefied atmosphere of poem making that seems to be essential for writing GOOD poems, whatever they might be. I am getting more settled about simply writing what I can, paying more attention and enabling others to write poetry and thus finding new and wonderful ways of expressing themselves and giving them a voice amongst the hubbub of a loud and frenetic world.

The link between visual images and poetry is important to me and I need to pay more attention to my observations and gently and carefully create words to go with them. I also need to try not to get inhibited by my internal critic and the voices who convince me no one will be interested in what I have to say - if I am not bothered about an audience then why should that matter!!

New Year's Eve

2011-12-31T17:54:00.000Z

Always been a funny day for years. It’s my Dad's birthday and over the years it became the event we celebrated rather then Christmas. That was until Mum died and both now get overlooked and we try and move on swiftly to the next year and look forward to Spring.

We often got together and as a child I remember a week of celebration from Christmas Day until New Year with visitors, visits and small gifts on every day. It was quite a good time as I remember it, not grumpy or in suspension like other times.

It's difficult now - we all think about Mum most of the time but I guess it is Dad who feels the loss more than anyone else. He sits in that house on his own talking to her every day when he changes the date on the calendar in the hallway. His friend moving away has just put the spotlight on what he has lost more than ever.

I find this time of year a struggle - due mainly to the dark mornings and short days. At least getting out and walking the dog means I get more daylight than I used to but over the last week I have had some very dark thoughts and I think that is due to so little happening and so little company.

A good walk at Gibside today helped the mood and some home cooking of shortbread and chocolate cookies. The shortbread is lovely but the cookies and more like cakes taste nice but not as crunchy as I would have expected. Think we made them too thick - bit too generous with the dough. Never mind - satisfying though and yummy!!

Anyway onward and upward....

Second Day

2011-12-30T17:04:00.001Z

Miserable day and really never got started today. Reported fly tipping to Council and they are going to look into it, so is the local Councillor.

Not had any creative thoughts or ideas to day just a lot of gloomy ones. Fits with the weather so maybe just have to run with it.

Keep wondering where any poetry might come from and also any levels of concentration that might allow me to read anything. Irritable and miserable which is not very nice at all.

Going to try some home baking tomorrow to lift the mood. I think I will be glad when this holiday period is over.

Dreading the rest of January but if i stop thinking too much and focus on getting assignment done and the marking then i can wait for some more creative energy to return – maybe at the end of the month when we meet again at Cober Hill.

At least I have made contact with guy who runs Poetry and Medicine Symposium as i think going to London for that would be a brilliant thing to do.

Starting point

2011-12-29T13:17:00.000Z

After a festive season contemplating how I can link my irritable side with my creative self I had an idea while walking the dog. I think a lot when out and about and often have insight into what is bothering me. Why not blog about it – writing and ventilating at the same time!!

As we were out a van came along to a local fly tipping site to scavenge for metal & any other valuable scrap. It had all long gone - after all I am sure the selfish and unlawful folk who have dumped the stuff made sure they had got all they could from the dumped, unwanted and overlooked "stuff" that people wanted to get rid of. I am sure the landowner must know what is going on. This is a site that has seen regular deposits and no attempt seems to have been made to prevent trucks getting up onto the site and dumping their stuff. It is a horrible eyesore and one I try to avoid when out with the dog as it upsets me so much. It is a blot on the landscape and in stirs up lots of negative feelings about the people who do it and the people who let them do it, the impotence of laws and local authorities. Here we are in a beautiful corner of the County and yet the fields are made foul and inhospitable by lazy folk who don't want to pay for responsible disposal of the excess we have in society.

Writing about these irritations will, I hope, enable me to work through them and lead me to a more peaceful and creative place where I can rediscover poetry and other soulful activities for myself.

I can also share new discoveries, things that make my heart sing - not sink - excavate the blocks to my well-being and surface the enabling things that I read, see and listen to out there.

Share the good things and start unearthing what I want to do with writing and my being in the world.

Find meaning in what I do and pay attention to the good stuff not the bad.